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2 people who have quit smoking are offered a cigarette. One responds: “I don’t smoke” the other: “I am trying to quit”. They have both quit smoking but who is likely to stick with it?

I am reading Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear. The above is an example he shares in the beginning of the book. The example really stuck with me.

I started running last summer but keep on telling myself that “I am not a runner”.  Yes, I was never before a runner. And, yes, I am not like my husband and his running buddies. They run marathons, and run nearly every day, rain or shine. But, I have been running. I have been running regularly 2-3 times a week, 3-6 miles. But guess what? If I am NOT a runner it is much easier to NOT go running when it is cold outside, or I am tiered or any other excuse. But when I AM a runner, why would I not go running? So I decided that from now on, I AM a runner. No excuses.

Whatever you are NOT you are far less likely to embrace opportunities in it.

I coach many women who tell me that they are not this or that. They are not a project manager, even though they have been managing projects. They are not a techy, because they are not engineers, but great with technology. And so on.

So what can you stop telling yourself that you are NOT and start telling yourself that you ARE?

I have recently had multiple conversations with people around setting clearer boundaries and saying “no” more often. For some it was their new year’s resolution, for others an ongoing challenge.

Saying “no” can be difficult, especially if you’re someone who wants to please others or avoid conflict. Setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs and wants is essential for maintaining a healthy balance in your personal and professional life.

Here are a few tips for saying “no” more often:

1. Remember that it’s okay to put yourself first. You are entitled to your own time, energy, and resources. Saying “yes” to everything can lead to resentment, burnout and neglecting your own needs.
2. When you want to say “yes”, ask yourself: “When I say yes to this, what am I saying no to”? Your time is limited. When you say yes to one thing, it often means that there is something else that you will not be able to do instead.
3. Don’t react to requests. Be intentional. Take time to think and consider them before giving an answer. Pause. Consider how the request fits with your priorities, your existing commitments, and the impact on your team’s success. If it is too difficult to say “no”, is there an alternative you can offer? Help with part of a project? Work on it another time?.
4. You will notice that some people will be surprised when you say “no”. They are used to you saying “yes”. Letting people know that you are working on setting boundaries and saying “no” will help them accept your new behavior, and hopefully support you through this change.
5. You also need to learn to recognize manipulative behavior, the ones that will not be as supportive of the new you, and may try to guilt or pressure you into saying “yes”. Recognizing the behavior as manipulative can help you to stand firm in your decision to say “no”.

If you are not used to saying “no” it may take some practice and can be difficult at first. Saying “no” is an important skill to develop for staying focused, maintaining healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself.

Are you practicing saying “no”? Do you need to say it more often?

Last week we went hiking in the White Mountains.

My husband ran up to the top of Mount Lafayette (about 4.5 miles and 4000 feet of elevation), while I slowly made my way up the mountain. He patiently waited for me at the top of the mountain for a whole 2 hours. While I climbed up and down Lafayette, my son ran the whole Pemi Loop, 29.5 miles, 3 times the distance I hiked, and waited for me at the end.

I am a slow hiker. I am not physically strong. Never have been.

While I hiked up I could have compared myself to my husband and son, and felt incompetent. I could have focused on all the people who were overtaking me. Believe me it was easy to do, there were many of them. Instead, I focused on my strengths, my determination and can do attitude. This mental strength, and can do attitude has been my driving force throughout my life. It has helped me overcome difficult situations, find solutions to complex problems, and it has helped me grow personally and professionally.

It also got me to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro.

When we embrace our strengths we can do great things. When we embrace our weaknesses we can improve, but will never be amazing.

What are your strengths?

Take the time to identify your strengths.

What is it that you naturally do well?

How can you focus more on your strengths to help you overcome challenges?

Managers, are you focusing on the weaknesses of the people on your team, or are you taking the time to identify and build on their natural strengths?

Embracing one’s strengths allows them to be their greatest selves.

How are you feeling getting back to work this week?
Have you checked in with your employees to see how they are doing?

The holiday break may not have been a relaxing or enjoyable time for all employees. Some parents are exhausted after taking care of young ones at home with no additional care available. Some people may have faced financial stress, family conflicts, or other personal challenges that made the holiday season difficult. Others may have struggled with feelings of loneliness or isolation. So while some may be feeling re-energized others may need your support.

As the new year begins and employees return to work, it’s important for managers to check in with them and make sure they feel supported and ready to tackle their responsibilities.

Here are some tips for checking in on employees returning to work in the new year:

1.    Schedule one-on-one meetings: Set aside some time for a private conversation with each of your employees. This gives them an opportunity to share any concerns or challenges they might be facing, and allows you to offer support and guidance.
2.    Ask how they’re doing: It’s important to show that you care about your employees’ well-being. Ask how they’re doing, both personally and professionally. If they’re struggling with something, try to offer help or refer them to resources that might be able to assist them.
3.    Discuss their workload: Make sure your employees have a clear understanding of their responsibilities and the expectations for their role. If they’re feeling overwhelmed, see if there are ways to redistribute their workload or provide additional resources to help them manage their tasks.
4.    Review their goals: The start of the year may also be a good time to review their goals, ensure they are clear and still aligned with the company’s objectives.
5.    Encourage work-life balance: It’s important for employees to have a healthy balance between their work and personal lives. Encourage your team to take breaks and use their vacation time, and try to be flexible with scheduling when possible.
6.    Foster a supportive work environment: Create a positive and supportive work culture where employees feel comfortable talking about their challenges and seeking help when needed. Encourage open communication and create a safe space for employees to share their feelings and concerns.

By taking these steps, you can help your employees return to work feeling supported and ready to tackle the new year.

Remember to be understanding and compassionate, and encourage employees to take care of themselves both physically and mentally. Caring about your employees’ well-being and supporting them through any challenges they may be facing, will help you build a healthy organizational culture.

Happy new year everyone!

Learning something new, a skill, behavior, mindset, takes time.
It is hard.  At times, it does not seem like it is working and we feel incompetent. That’s when it is easy to give up.

We have all experienced the frustration of learning something new many times.

Do you remember when you learnt to ride a bike, or drive a car?
At first you had to really concentrate, to balance, stay in your lane or keep to the speed limit. In the beginning it was very exciting, you can start driving! Then, it felt really difficult. With time you built your competency at riding or driving, and with it you built your confidence. After a while it became very natural and easy.

What about the last time you learnt to use a new software program, a new app? The excitement, the frustration in getting the hang of all the nuances, and then the joy when you can fully use it!

Often, when we start learning something new we are excited. We are curious to learn a new skill.

Once the excitement wears off, frustration can kick in.

It takes us some time to really master the new skill. It is important to understand that the frustration, the hardship, really is a stage in the learning process – the Learning Dip. If we are aware that it is part of the process, and that if we stick with it success will come, our likelihood of succeeding is much higher.

Think of it this way, you have to be bad at something before you are good at it. It takes time to become good at something.

So the next time that you are feeling incompetent, frustrated with yourself when learning something new, remember that this is part of the process.

Do not give up and say to yourself too early “This is not for me”!

This August I attended a workshop with Marshall Goldsmith where he asked us this question:

Who is your hero?

Marshall noted that he borrowed the question from Ayse Brisel (See Ayse’s book: Design the Life You Love: A Step-by-Step Guide to Building a Meaningful Future).

I hadn’t really thought about my heroes before, but my  answer was clear. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, RBG.

Marshall then asked:

Why is this person a hero to you?

To me, RBG has always been an image of strength, a force to be reckoned with. A woman with strong values who is ahead of her time and who has been relentless at fighting for what she believed in, having a huge impact on the advancement of gender equality and women’s rights.

Then Marshall asked:

What can you do to be more like your hero?

I loved this question. It strengthened my determination to continue to stick with my values, my passion to fight for what I believe in and make a positive impact on the people around me.

This weekend, I was devastated by Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s passing, on the evening of the Jewish New Year. But it was also clear to me that now, more than ever, I must continue to fight for what I believe in, that is what RBG would do.

Who is your hero? What can you do to be more like them?

When you feel stuck, or unsure about what you should do, ask yourself what would your hero do?

RIP RBG

A little bit of reading goes a long way

Did you know that reading one hour a day translates to about reading a book a week? 1 book a week is about 50 books a year!

Are you trying to hone a new skill or become an expert in your field?

Earl Nightingale was an American motivational speaker and author, known as the Dean of Personal Development. He said that one hour per day of study will put you at the top of your field within three years. Within five years you’ll be a national authority. In seven years, you can be one of the best people in the world at what you do.

Reading a book a month

Reading 1 book a month will put you in the top 1% of income earners.

Reading 50 books per year

Reading 50 books per year, will place you in the category of the best educated, smartest, and highest paid people in your field.

“I don’t have time to read”

I often hear “I don’t have time to read”. Can you cut down on the time you:

• Watch TV?
• Use Social Media?
• Browse the web?
• Play video games?

Listen to books

Reading books can also be by listening to them. I have been using the free apps Overdrive and Hoopla to listen to books for free. I am loving it! I listen while driving, cooking dinner, walking the dogs… All you need is a library card (get it for free from your local library) and connect it with these apps.
My recent favorites are: Atomic Habits, which I wrote about in my blog last week: I am not a… and the book: The Happiness Advantage: How a Positive Brain Fuels Success in Work and Life, by Shawn Achor. The book is full of research and examples of how a positive brain fuels success in work and life. It teaches how to make small shifts in your mindset that can move you from the attitude of “I will be happy when I get that job/car/partner” to being happy NOW to fuel your future success.

What are you currently reading?

Can you make more time for reading?

Eddie Jaku, holocaust survivor who called himself ‘the happiest man on Earth’ died at age 101 in Sydney today.

Mr Jaku volunteered at the Sydney Jewish Museum where my father in law, Charles Feldman volunteered as well, telling younger generations their stories of surviving the holocaust.

Mr Jaku said he was the “happiest man” despite the horrors he witnessed in the concentration camps.

“Life is what you want it to be, life is in your hands,” he said.

“You know happiness doesn’t fall from the sky. It’s in your hands. You want to be happy? You can be happy.”

Mr Jaku’s mission in life was to teach not to hate.

“Hate is a disease. It destroys first your enemy but you also”.

I deeply connected with this message.

A few years ago I found myself using the word hate too often. Let’s just say a certain leader came into power, and I strongly disagreed with what he said and did. Every time I thought or said hate I felt a physical reaction in my body. It also impacted my reaction, snowballed my feelings and thoughts to a more negative direction. It was not healthy. I decided to remove the word hate from my vocabulary.

Try it. Try saying hate. How does it feel? What does it make you think?

What if you replace it with greatly dislike? How does that feel?

If Eddie Jaku could not hate Hitler, we can learn to not hate anyone.

I highly recommend you listen to Eddie Jaku’s Ted Talk.

RIP Eddie Jaku

Fall in New England is beautiful. The red, orange, and yellow color of the leaves mesmerizes me. The trees look different every day as the sun shines down on them and their leaves fall. I stop and watch them with awe.
Walking past them yesterday, I thought how nature has so beautifully mastered the art of letting go. When we let go, we create space for new things to happen. We are able to release negative emotions and move on with life. Letting go is important to our well-being. Yet, as humans, we don’t have such seasonality and process ingrained into our lives. How lucky the trees are, I thought, we all need to learn from them and let go.

It reminded me of the fable about the 2 monks that I have often heard Marshall Goldsmith tell.
A senior and a junior monk reach a river bank. As they prepare to cross the river a young woman asks them for help crossing it. The senior monk, despite of his vow to not touch women, carries her across the river and gently places her on the other side.
The young monk is shocked. He his appalled. He is speechless. How could the senior monk touch a woman?
They continue on their journey. An hour, two, three, pass without a word between them.
As they return to the monastery, the young monk can no longer contain himself and says to the older monk: “We took a vow to not touch women. How could you carry her across the river?”
The older monk looked at the young monk compassionately and responded: “I carried her across the river, and set her down on the other side. Why are you still carrying her?”

What are you still carrying that you should be letting go of?

Past behaviors of yourself or others?
Emotional pain? Hurts from the past?

It is a conscious decision to hold on to the past, to continue to ruminate over past actions or events, and continue to let them weigh you down.
It can also be a conscious decision to let it go.

Embrace the Fall. Make it your season of letting go.

Last week I presented a workshop on The Gift of Feedback at Mirakl, a Boston start up.

As part of our discussion, we talked about feedback often being a request to change and that how we deal with change often depends on whether we have a growth or fixed mindset. We talked about how to build a growth mindset, as individuals and as an organization.

When we have a growth mindset we see failing as a part of life, it is as an opportunity to grow. We embrace challenges to change and it is about growing and learning from everything we do, and believing that we can do anything we set our mind to. We enjoy the journey not just reaching the destination.

When we have a fixed mindset we see failure as the limit of our abilities. We don’t like change and to be challenged. We are either good at something or we are not. Our capabilities are fixed.

I shared with the group how I had a fixed mindset when it came to fitness. We can have a growth mindset in some aspects of our lives and a fixed mindset in others.

Take a moment to think honestly. In what areas do you have a fixed mindset?

I told the group about how at the age of 50 I decided that I wanted to get fit. Exercise was never part of my life. At different points I tried different things but never stuck with anything. I always felt that I was no good at it and that I never could be.

But I reached a point where I wanted to make a change. I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to live healthier.

I had to develop a growth mindset. Make the shift to believe that:

My fitness capabilities are NOT predetermined.

Effort and attitude will determine my ability.

I need to keep on practicing to get better.

I set myself a very high goal of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. It helped me to have a specific goal. I made the training a priority. I put it on my schedule.

I started in small steps, walking, then hiking more and more on a regular basis. Even when I didn’t get out as much as I planned on some weeks, or hike as fast as I wanted on others, I kept on going.

I made it to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro with a lot of can-do attitude and determination. I then decided to start running. Again, I had to take small steps. I downloaded the app ‘Couch to 10K’. At first I could only run a few hundred yards. Now, I am fitter than I have ever been, and I regularly run 3-6 miles multiple times a week.

When we nurture a growth mindset we embrace challenges and it is our effort and attitude that determine our abilities.

So what was that area where you have a fixed mindset?

What small steps are you going to take to make a change and move yourself from a fixed to a growth mindset?

You can do it!