When I hear a coaching client say, “I need…,” one of the questions I sometimes ask is:
“Do you truly need that, or is that what works best for you?”
It may sound like semantics, but it can lead to a very different conversation.
“I need 24 hours’ notice” leaves one acceptable option.
“Twenty-four hours works best for me because…” gives us somewhere to go next.
What happens if you only have six hours? What could you do differently? What is it about having that extra time that matters?
Suddenly, we’re not talking about a constraint. We’re exploring choices.
It reminds me of when my kids were young and would tell me, “I need that toy” or “I need that candy.” I would ask them, “Do you need it, or do you want it?” I wanted them to learn that there was a difference.
As adults, that distinction can be just as important.
Knowing and communicating our needs matters. But when we turn every preference or ideal condition into a need, we can unintentionally limit our own options and make it harder for others to collaborate with us.
My friend and fellow executive coach Deborah Grayson Riegel and I have both seen how “needs” can create rigidity, not only for the people around us, but also for ourselves.
That small distinction between what we need, what we prefer, and what would be ideal can create more room for flexibility, collaboration, and agency.
Deborah and I explore this in our new Psychology Today article, “When Everything Is a ‘Need,’ We Lose More Than Flexibility.”
I’ve been noticing my own “needs” more since we started writing this.
What’s something you tend to describe as a need that might actually be a strong preference?
Read the Psychology Today article.
