Your boss is agitated. They begin drilling you about a comment you made regarding the progress of a project. Their tone is far from productive, and you can’t fathom why they are behaving this way towards you. It’s easy to take their rudeness personally and wonder, “Why are they doing this to me?”
People have a natural tendency for a self-centric perspective where they perceive actions and behaviors of others as directly related to them.
More often than not, their behavior is a result of their own struggles, frustrations, or a bad day.
It is not about you.
Life is full of ups and downs, and we all have our fair share of bad days. Your boss is anxious before a critical board meeting; your colleague is frustrated after a challenging customer meeting; you just spent 2 hours in traffic. We have all been there. External circumstances, personal challenges, stress, and a range of other factors can contribute to someone feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or angry. And, inadvertently projecting their negative emotions onto others, leading to seemingly unwarranted hostility or unpleasant encounters.
Consider that they are not giving you a hard time but rather having a hard time
Rather than immediately becoming defensive or feeling hurt, take a step back and detach yourself emotionally from the situation. Remind yourself that their behavior is likely not a reflection of your work or character. By separating yourself from their negativity, you can maintain a more objective perspective and respond in a more constructive manner.
Try responding with empathy and simple reflections such as:
Is everything ok?
Did I do something to upset you?
You seem to be very upset by this.
Often, the person who is upset or behaving rudely is not even aware of their own behavior and how it is impacting others, including you. In such situations these questions serve as a mirror, reflecting their behavior back to them and giving them an opportunity to pause, reflect, and open up about what is truly bothering them.
Sometimes a simple act of kindness, such as asking if everything is alright or offering assistance, can go a long way in shifting the dynamics of the interaction.
If the person’s demeanor remains unproductive, it might be necessary to redirect the conversation. Seek clarification on their concerns and propose a solution-oriented approach. By shifting the focus to problem-solving rather than dwelling on their tone or demeanor, you can steer the conversation towards a more constructive direction.
It can be challenging to remain calm in the face of rudeness, and to not take things personally.
Remember it is not about you.
They are not doing this to you. They are having a hard day.
Responding empathetically can help diffuse tension and promote a more productive dialogue.
Can you recall a time when someone’s negative behavior made you question whether it was about you? How did you respond? What did you learn from that experience?