Understanding who we are doesn’t mean accepting that’s all we can be.
Hi, I’m Frustrated.
For years, that might have been a more accurate way to introduce myself than saying my name.
I was easily frustrated. Red lights, someone cutting me off in traffic, an unproductive meeting, or an unexpected interruption could set me off.
And I was particularly good at carrying that frustration from one situation into the next.
I’d arrive at a meeting still annoyed about something that had happened earlier. Or I’d bring my frustration home, allowing an experience that was already over to influence how I showed up with the people around me.
I told myself, “I have a short fuse. It takes me a while to recover.”
That’s just who I am.
It seemed like a reasonable explanation. After all, I’d been this way for years.
But was that explanation helping me understand myself, or was it giving me permission to keep behaving the same way?
When “That’s Just Who I Am” Becomes a Limitation
In my work as an executive coach, I often hear leaders describe themselves in similar ways.
“I’m just very direct.”
“I’m a perfectionist.”
“I’m not good at difficult conversations.”
“I’m not a patient person.”
Sometimes the statement is about a behavior they recognize in themselves. Other times, it’s about something they believe they’re simply not capable of doing.
There’s something comforting about believing we know who we are. It gives us a sense of identity and helps us explain our behavior, both to ourselves and to others.
And self-awareness is important. Understanding our tendencies, strengths, preferences, and habitual responses helps us recognize how we show up and the impact we have on others.
But there’s a difference between understanding who we are and deciding that who we are is all we can be.
When we use “That’s just who I am” as an explanation, we may stop questioning whether our behavior is serving us or the people around us.
A leader who sees themselves as naturally direct may not recognize when their communication discourages others from speaking up. Someone who identifies as a perfectionist may overlook how their reluctance to delegate limits their team’s growth.
Our self-perception can help us understand our behavior. It can also become a reason not to change it.
Can We Accept Ourselves and Still Want to Change?
I believe we can. In fact, I think we need to do both.
Accepting ourselves means being willing to see who we are, including our strengths, limitations, and the behaviors we’re not particularly proud of.
It doesn’t mean we have to accept that those behaviors are permanent.
We can recognize that we’re impatient without deciding we’ll always be impatient.
We can acknowledge that we avoid difficult conversations without accepting that we’ll never become comfortable having them.
And we can appreciate the qualities that have helped us succeed while recognizing that some of those same qualities may be getting in our way.
For me, the shift began with a different question.
Who do I want to be?
Frustrated wasn’t on my list.
I wanted to be more patient, more curious, and more present. I wanted to bring positive energy into my interactions rather than carry frustration from one experience into the next.
And I began to recognize how many possibilities we might be closing off when we tell ourselves, “That’s just who I am.”
Who I am today doesn’t have to be who I’ll always be.
That realization didn’t mean I suddenly stopped getting frustrated.
It meant I could begin making different choices about what I did with that frustration.
The Courage to Be a Work in Progress
There’s a certain vulnerability in acknowledging that we’re a work in progress.
It takes courage to look at ourselves and recognize that some of our behaviors aren’t helping us achieve the outcomes we want.
It also takes humility to acknowledge that even when our intentions are good, our impact may be different from what we intended.
I’ve worked with successful leaders who genuinely care about their teams but whose behaviors sometimes create the opposite effect. They may be trying to help but end up micromanaging. They may want high standards but unintentionally discourage initiative.
Recognizing that gap isn’t always comfortable.
But it’s where growth begins.
We don’t have to reject who we are to recognize that we can do better.
We can accept ourselves as we are today while taking responsibility for who we want to become.
And that responsibility brings us to something I believe is central to intentional leadership: choice.
How to Create a Moment of Choice
Much of our behavior happens automatically.
Someone interrupts us, and we react with irritation.
A colleague challenges our idea, and we become defensive.
Something doesn’t go according to plan, and we immediately focus on everything that’s going wrong.
These reactions can become so familiar that they feel like part of our identity.
But between noticing a reaction and deciding how to respond, we can create a moment of choice.
Here’s a simple practice I’ve found helpful, both personally and in my coaching work.
1. Notice your reaction.
Pay attention to the situations that trigger a familiar response.
Perhaps you feel your frustration building. Maybe you notice yourself becoming defensive, impatient, or withdrawn.
The first step isn’t to judge the reaction. It’s simply to recognize it.
2. Pause before responding.
Take a breath. Give yourself a moment rather than immediately following your usual pattern.
The pause doesn’t need to be long. Sometimes a few seconds are enough to interrupt an automatic response.
3. Ask yourself who you want to be.
Instead of asking, “Why am I always like this?” try asking:
“Who do I want to be in this situation, and how would that person respond?”
If you want to be curious, perhaps you ask a question rather than make an assumption.
If you want to be patient, perhaps you give someone a little more time.
If you want to be a leader who encourages others to speak up, perhaps you listen before offering your opinion.
These may seem like small choices, but repeated over time, they influence how we show up and the impact we have on others.
For me, it started with recognizing when frustration was building.
I couldn’t control every red light, interruption, or frustrating situation. But I could work on how I responded and whether I allowed that frustration to spill into my next interaction.
I still get frustrated, not as often, and I no longer have to treat frustration as an inevitable part of who I am.
The Freedom and Responsibility of Choice
There’s something empowering about recognizing that we have choices.
But with that freedom comes responsibility.
If I believe that my behavior is simply who I am, I can explain it away.
If I recognize that I have the ability to respond differently, I also have to take responsibility for the choices I make.
That doesn’t mean change is easy or that we can transform deeply ingrained habits overnight.
It means we can begin.
And intentional leadership isn’t about getting every interaction right. It’s about becoming more aware of how we’re showing up, recognizing the choices available to us, and taking responsibility for our impact.
That’s true whether we’re leading a team, working with colleagues, raising a family, or navigating everyday interactions.
Leading ourselves first means recognizing that we have a role in shaping what happens next.
Your Moment of Choice
Think about something you’ve said about yourself:
“I’m just not good at that.”
“I’m always impatient.”
“I’m not someone who speaks up.”
“That’s just who I am.”
Now consider two questions:
Is that who I want to be?
What’s one choice I can make today to move closer to who I want to become?
You don’t need to change everything at once.
Start by creating one moment of choice.
About Miki Feldman Simon: Miki is an executive coach, speaker, and award-winning author of CORE Leadership: A Four-Step Framework to Lead Yourself, Grow Your Influence, and Amplify Your Impact. She helps leaders turn insight into intentional action, strengthen their agency, and increase their impact.
